Problems in the Bedroom

Remember being a teenager and first discovering masturbation?

I have no problem with adolescents and their sexual explorations. The problem is that men get stuck in the adolescent exploration phase of their sexual development… not just for a few extra years, but for life!

And the Internet has only made it easier and easier to pull out your phone and get that dopamine hit free of charge. This has made relationships harder for modern men for many reasons.

Number 1: Your partner is not a cartoon (aka Playboy bunny). They are a human being with a trauma history just like you, and they need attunement in much more complex ways than a sex doll.

Number 2: When we train ourselves to ejaculate, we get better at ejaculating, not better at sex.

Number 3: The amount of thrusting and the absence of touching bodies with hands in erotic films is a terrible misrepresentation of real sex. The lack of tender touch makes us think that we too should be disconnected thrust machines instead of what we really want to be: primal devouring intimacy wizards expressing our inherent creativity and divinity.

When self-regulation enters the bedroom…

That’s not to say that I demonize sex or masturbation. I believe it is an innocent attempt to self-regulate an overactive nervous system.

And yet, it is often one of the primary culprits of problems in the bedroom, especially when you need more and more intensity to produce that dopamine hit, or when you seek to replicate what you see in erotic films with your partner.

I am not anti-kink, but I think that kink is way cooler when it comes from your mind and not the erotic entertainment industry.

One can become aware of all this without being abstinent from the dopamine hits, although some people find that abstinence from certain sexual behaviors is what is right for them.

The most important thing, however, is that we are willing to change our relationship with self-pleasure to nurture ourselves and save our sexual energy for our partners, instead of running to the Internet to look at butts whenever we feel uncomfortable.

My goal is to help men gain true intimacy.

As a sex coach, I seek to help men reclaim their power and quite literally save their juice for their partners – to finally come from a mature and grounded place in the bedroom.

I want to help my clients transmute orgasm consciousness into here and now consciousness. That means when they are with their boyfriend or girlfriend, they are really with them, not masturbating into them.

Orgasm consciousness is one of the more sneaky foes in our culture, and it requires a lot of reconditioning. It does not require shame.

I orgasm/ejaculate. I am not Sting. But I have also learned to do myself a favor by not leaking so much of my vitality and circulating that energy within me, nurturing both my partner and me. That is true pleasure and lasting intimacy, whereas orgasm consciousness is about releasing tension and pain – which is not wrong, just perhaps a bit overused.

Sex is about joy and bonding, not macho performance.

I help men with premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, and over-attachment to self-pleasure. I also help them take responsibility for the sex they want to see in their lives. So often, the victim or martyr mentality ruins our opportunity to enjoy sex.

We are so conditioned to think we must have a hard dick at all times and make our partners scream at the drop of the hat – as seen in movies. When we put that kind of pressure on ourselves, we become driven by anxiety rather than pleasure, joy, and communion.

Our partners then pick up on this inadequacy, and they no longer want to engage as much. Who wants to have sex with someone acting out deep insecurity? Only by settling into our true selves with real love can we be the sexy beasts we always knew we were.

– bell hooks