Sex and Relationship Coaching

Sexual relationships can easily tie us in knots and be difficult to untangle.

Sex isn’t easy, whether you are in a long-term relationship or single. I know because it’s probably been one of the most confounding things for me to untangle.

There is nothing worse than that moment in a relationship where you both know something isn’t working. I know that feeling, and it is tough to confront.

There is also that moment where you have been juggling different partners, and the drama makes your nervous system want to scream even though your ego is going, “Hell yeah, baby.”

And, of course, there is the crushing loneliness of not being able to find someone who can connect and attune to you, which has become increasingly problematic in a post-pandemic world.

Whatever your problem with sex and relationships, I have a lot of hard-won experience that can help and a lot of self-study on the subject.

I am no stranger to struggles with compulsion.

My wife is a sex and relationship coach, and I am a sex and relationship lunatic. I am a self-diagnosed sexual compulsive, which means that I belong to a 12-step program in this area because my life was unmanageable.

My brothers in the program helped me stop cheating and acting out sexually. I go to men’s only meetings for obvious reasons – see this clip from Blades of Glory for more on why.

I was learning to have boundaries with myself around sex at the same time my wife was learning to be more sex-positive. She had been in a sexless relationship and was working with women to help them unshackle themselves and become less repressed.

So, I am lucky enough to have experienced exposure to two sides of the sexual healing spectrum.

Dealing with sexual compulsion is not one size fits all.

When I was briefly in graduate school, I wanted to become a sex therapist, and I discovered two types of certifications in sex therapy one can receive. One emphasizes the work of Patrick Carnes (someone I admire), who treats certain sexual behaviors as a drug and recommends abstinence from said drugs. The other is more for sex-positive sex therapists who are not anti-porn or anti-kink.

I found myself halfway between the two camps, which was confusing and enriching. So, what does that have to do with you? You probably have a part of you that says, “Fuck it, I’m gonna get mine,” when it comes to sex; and you also probably have a very giving and curious part of yourself. I can help you understand and make peace with both parts.

You have both a primal animal that wants to devour your lover and a gentle non-dual king who wants to merge. I want to help you explore and understand both through the most open-minded lens possible, with the aim of you feeling joyful and at peace. When it comes to sex, in my experience, you don’t have to have an either/or approach. Better to think Both/And.

A big part of sexual healing is owning your parts and kinks. But that isn’t easy. So, how do you make progress? One good place to start is by slowing down and having no expectations. What is it like to touch someone without agenda? What is it like to fuck with less orgasm consciousness?

Sex relationships improve by slowing down and making a connection.

I believe that slowing down and connecting with yourself and your partner helps no matter your issue. And when it comes to relationships, it’s much the same.

The first thing you need to do is recognize that your nervous system is hyper-aroused or that you have an “inflamed ego,” as I like to say. And then it’s possible to speak about how the other person’s behavior makes you feel from a responsive place.

The other most important thing to do in relationships is to take responsibility for your choices. As a human being, you WILL attract someone who reminds your subconscious of your most dominant caregiver, usually your opposite-sex parent, and it’s essential to recognize that.

The game of finding a mate is about attracting the best possible version of that type of person into your life. Taking responsibility for your choices can happen once you learn to take your projections back and have an adult relationship with your partner instead of a reactive relationship with your mom or dad projected onto your partner. If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.